PERFECTIONISM

Every time I think I have my perfectionism conquered, I get a reminder that it has deep and persistent roots in my psyche. 

I came to my laptop tonight - a little later than I prefer after two very long days - only to discover two things that immediately triggered my perfectionism:

1) I had forgotten to hit publish last night after I wrote here. Such a silly and avoidable oversight. 

            -So I had to remind myself that I succeeded in my        commitment to write every day, I just hadn't published. (Still bothers me, though.)

2) I found an email that showed my first 5 page paper had been graded and it was an 85%. It is so crazy that after all these years I still see A+ as the only legitimate goal and anything short of that as a type of failure! I even lecture my honors students about the dangers of this way of thinking, but here I am. 

            - So I had to remind myself that it was my first paper after decades of being on the other side of the teacher's desk and that I undoubtedly had much to learn about producing doctorate-level work. (Still bothers me, though. And I haven't brought myself to look at the specific feedback yet.)

Upon reflection, it strikes me anew that perfectionism is such a handicap. It can stop me before I even get started. It can discourage me when I really need to keep going. And much worse than that, it can keep me from admitting - to myself and the world - just how fallible I am. 

And, really, how can one be an authentic believer while being fundamentally unable to admit fallibility?

Can't I just be content with being the clay jar - and even glorying in that fact - so that it becomes clear that the only truly exceptional power in my life belongs to God and not to me?

[And, yes, I see how I am now beating myself up for not perfectly overcoming my perfectionism. ;-) I am going to bed! His mercies will be new in the morning.]