Questioning

Our three weeks of Cross Training ended yesterday with a meaningful commissioning service at headquarters.  We were blessed to have several friends and my mom there to join in the celebration.  Afterwards we cleaned out our living quarters, packed the van and drove back to Columbus to join our friends Kate and Storly to celebrate Kate's 40th birthday and to catch up - their family spent the last two months in Haiti, working with the radio station and hosting numerous short term teams from the U.S. and the U.K.

We didn't get home until after 10:00 PM. and we begged the kids to SLEEP IN come morning.  So good to be back in familiar beds.  Now it is morning and the weather is perfect: dark and rainy.  But MY body decides to get me up at 5:30! 

The funny thing is that I didn't wake up all stressed out over our extensive To Do List (17 days until our flight to Cap Haitien!).  No, my first thoughts were over my major 'take away' from Cross Training.  It's another one of those basic Christian beliefs that is belatedly making it's way from my head to my heart, so I am almost embarrassed to write about this.

Plus, I am  still processing this - and I haven't had enough sleep - and it's 8:15 and kids are starting to trickle out of bed - so I will keep this brief.  For three weeks now I have been chewing on a basic question: Do I really TRUST God? 

Do I trust in His goodness?  Do I trust in His love?  Do I trust in His righteousness to cover me? Do I trust that He can bring good out of even the worst circumstances?  Do I trust Him with the safety of my family?  Do I really trust?

Or do I hedge my bets?  Do I create contingency plans in case God lets me down?  Do I question my standing before God?  Do I wonder how - or if - He can love ME?  Do I fear that God won't come through in my time of need?

There's a chasm between saying I trust in God (while actually harboring fears and doubts) and truly having a heart at peace and at rest in the Lord's love and provision.  The latter is akin to Adam and Eve walking in the garden with God and is the very relationship we were created to enjoy.  The former is akin to Adam's response to God after the Fall: "I heard you coming so I hid."  We acknowledge God's existence but we just know He's got it in for us!

Early in our Cross Training experience, one of our speakers pointed out that the Genesis account of the Fall makes clear that Adam and Eve's distrust of God is the original sin.  God said, "All this paradise is yours, just don't eat the fruit from this one tree." And the serpent said to Eve, "Did God really say...?" And then he went on to contradict God: "You shall not surely die." And Eve gave in to this questioning of God's goodness and God's motives.

So it boils down to this: when we harbor doubts of God's love, intentions, and provision, is that closer to the mind of Christ or to the mind of Satan? 

And what are we going to do about it?