But I think there's more than loss of momentum at play here. I've been a bit down lately. Ever since my car bit the dust, it seems like one thing after another is sneaking up to sucker punch me in the back of the head. I never see them coming!
Oh, none of these recent hassles is life threatening and most I can't really discuss here for one reason or another, but they've got me down as they have piled up.
Always in the background, the car situation has served to complicate all the other problems that have come up. I haven't had time to find a new (to me) vehicle. So...for a while I was borrowing my brother's truck.
It broke down. So I returned it to my brother and slinked away.
Most of the time I have been bumming rides to school from a particularly kind co-worker. She has been more than gracious and willing ... and yet I still feel like a LEECH.
There's nothing that goes so thoroughly against the American grain quite like carlessness and dependence on others! In America, hitchhiking is for losers and/or moochers.
I don't like asking for handouts.
In truth, this issue has been gnawing at me since Melissa and I decided to move to Haiti. Part of the deal is that we will have to raise our own support - which will mean sending letters and talking to folks - looking for "handouts". It's one of the reasons we know we can't get on the mission field any earlier than August of 2012: we anticipate it being a rather lengthy process to gather support. Especially while continuing to work full-time.
And even though we haven't started fundraising yet, the issue of our own neediness is already a part of our present reality.
A few weeks back, as we made a final push to ready the house for the market and cousin Phillip repaired our garage roof, providing all the labor and all the materials at no cost, I rejoiced, because we really couldn't afford to cover that cost and it HAD TO BE DONEl But I have to admit that I rejoiced only half-heartedly. All my instincts screamed, "We've got to PAY him!!"
And when the father of Ida's best friend fixed our van two weeks ago for nothing more than the cost of the parts, I rejoiced ... half-heartedly! He has expertise far beyond my own and not only did he fix the van, he fixed it QUICKLY. Which was crucial since it was our only vehicle. He did the repairs to help us on our path to missionary service. Again, my gut said, "We've got to pay him!!"
Being dependent on others for rides for a solid two weeks now has brought this struggle out into the open. I was asked the other day if I was prepared to spend the next few years begging friends and family for handouts. I didn't have an immediate answer, but it's a legitimate question. After giving it some thought, I now have a simple answer: "At this moment... honestly ... no, I'm not ready."
I'm just now starting to wrestle with this aspect of being a missionary, but at first glance, it looks to me like a pride issue: before I'm ready to "ask for handouts", God is going to have to break my pride.
But if my pride stands in the way of God having an entire family of believers who are willing to join in His work among "the least of these" in Haiti, then it looks like I better give God permission to break my pride, right?
As I've already hinted, I believe our American culture shapes our values when it comes to cars ... but also to so many other aspects of life. American culture puts a lot of value on independence and "earning" a living through our own sweat and hard work. We take PRIDE in those things. But as I've started to mull these things over (and I've got a long way to go!), I've already generated a couple of pertinent questions:
1) Right now, I am a public school teacher. The government, through the force of law, takes money from citizens all over this county and state - who may or may not have children in our school system - and uses that money to pay my salary. This arrangement is certainly more socially acceptable than me asking friends and families to support me and my family while working in a school in Haiti - where none of their own children attend - but is it more virtuous?
2) The members of a church voluntarily give weekly or monthly to the church. That money is pooled and then used to pay the pastor enough to support him or her and, probably, the entire family. The church often even provides a house for the pastor to live in. Do we view pastors as living on handouts? Why not?
Well, like I've said, these are issues with which I am just beginning to wrestle. I'm sure I will bring this up again here in the future as I continue to discern God's voice in this matter. (Obviously, for instance, I will need to search Scripture to see what God can teach me there.) I would love to hear some feedback from you, though. I need your insight here!
I need to be willing to stand with my hand out ... soon.
BTW, this is the last blurry webcam photo I will be posting - I got a new webcam for my birthday. I'll tell you about that tomorrow, God willing!
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